What's at Stake

I shot this photo last night in the studio, during rehearsal. I took the photo to remind myself that the reason why I'm doing everything I'm doing right now (re: day job) is to have more time to work on my art.

Yesterday, I had a great rehearsal with Faustina. We worked on both of our acts for the Guilty Pleasures show. It was nice to have one on one hanging out time with her. I really enjoy her and working with her. (Her style is so different from mine--I enjoy her feedback.)

Saturday night was amazing. The show at Uncommon Ground is really great. The venue is outstanding--they provide fancy craft service and free drinks for the performers, the pay is by "envelope" which works out to still more than most other shows in town pay, and the sound/staff are friendly and cool--and the women in the show are the best. Every time I do that show, I come home with a huge smile on my face. It is high quality and classy, which are two things that I strive for.

Today I have to go to work and work on a major event--an awards ceremony for young leaders--for next Saturday. It will be a hurried and engaging day. At the end of the week, it means that I'm going to get to meet and network with 35 of the best, smartest people working on race & poverty issues in the City. Some old friends are in the bunch, too. I'm really looking forward to seeing an old fellow activist next weekend.

But there are moments in both worlds that are poopy. Last week, someone told me that the feedback from one of the venues I worked with recently was that we were not the right fit for their venue. That in and of itself was fine, but the person went on to imply that the owner thought I was too old and too fat to be doing what I am doing. And then went on to insult some other girls--saying that so and so "could stand to lose a few pounds and trim up"-- in town who I'm not exactly close to, but STILL. It was not right.

And there was also a moment at work a few weeks ago where I was walking into a meeting with my supervisee, talking about something performance-related and the other colleague already in the meeting was like "What are you talking about?" I replied that I was talking about my "performance career" and this person sort of wrinkled up their nose and asked "performance career?" with this sort of snide and snobby tone that made me feel about 12" tall. (I find this person to generally be haughty, dismissive and full of themselves, but again, not right.)

In these particular moments, I have this out-of-body experience of not feeling right. Like something about me is gross and just wrong. I know that this probably is not the intended effect of these peoples' comments, but I wonder if people even think about what they are saying before they say it. I have worked on not taking it to heart--and I definitely have enough supportive people in my life who contradict these messages--but damn. Irritating on the best days.

Luckily, the effect is no longer than I question what I am doing or think about steering off course. That ship has sailed.

So, I took the photo last night so I can remember why I'm doing each piece of what I am doing. As a daily reminder of the joy of performance and the complete bliss of working with such talented women. And to remind me that I have to move through those moments because of what's at stake--the idea that I have that any woman can find her internal strength and sexiness through movement. And not just that we have the ability to do it, but that we have a right to find it and feel that.

Maybe I'm being little dramatic about it, but I think that's a vitally important lesson.