Post 301

I cannot believe how much I have written here in a year. It has been more than a year since I started writing regularly. I think that this practice has been very good for me--I have certainly processed through a lot of issues and it seems like writing things down has helped them to seem less big and more digestible.

It always seems that the beginning of spring and the end of winter is a time to reflect for me. The changing of the seasons marks a passing of time for me and spring reminds me that there will be life again and that winter WILL end. I always have trouble with the end of winter because I start to feel cooped up and really depressed and like it will NEVER EVER be over.

But here are some random things that I have started to handle (and which still require more work--but seem to be on the right track now.) In bulleted list format, as is my way:

• Finances--While losing my job ha put a crimp in the reducing-debt-plans that I was working on, the new prospects seem to be bright. And I now have a bank account and a debit/credit card (so I can participate in the financial system again). And I did this all on my own, which might not seem like much, but represents a huge leap forward for me. And the lack of stress around this subject feels good and like progress.
• Jobs--Yes, I left another one. But this time, it feels like I learned some good lessons about Corporate Amerika and what to do and what not to do (e.g. admit that you feel like you have more skills than are being utilized) when in that environment. And I think that the shift in perspective for a year will only help my ability to handle the next opportunity. And the next opportunity seems like it will be a good one--I almost have two offers in hand at two great organizations. We shall see, but either way would be a fantastic step forward for me.
• Friendships--Some really important friendships have evolved in the last two years. SJJ, Poetess, E, Boyish, T's friends The Sistaz. All of these are important and will remain so. Must continue to keep these in focus.
  
• Relationships--What a difference a year makes. I have learned so much about myself and myself in relationship to others in the last year, through a series of mistakes, romantic mismatches, and having been sort of used and treated badly. While I'm still not happy about some of the things that went down (nearly being choked during drunken sex and then dumped three days later without even so much as an in-person discussion or an explanation--until six months later upon forcing the issue, having had a "friendship" with said person that dragged the romantic possibility on and on in an unspoken and sort of sick way, email breakups, dating someone who was in the closet in a big way), I have to say that the end result of finding Special Lady T makes the shit worth it. Thanks, COF.
• Living Situation--Yes. It is coming to an end, this time in the "developing neighborhood". I have learned a lot about myself and my ability to adapt to extreme circumstances, my ability to get along with others, the ways in which I am not willing to bend, and how I want to live. The next place is going to be great.
• Producing and Performance--It's actually going well. I have some great shows coming up, I have good new collaborators, I have made peace with everyone I needed to make peace with in the Burly Wurly, and I feel like I am getting asked to do what I want to do. All good. Very fun.
  

I predict that by the time the weather is truly nice again, I will have a great job and a new wonderful place to live. I will split my time between being really into my job, producing shows and performing, spending time with friends, and being with T. I am ready to be happy, truly happy. No reservations. No hitch. Just happy and enjoying life.

Mas later, bitches.

Crazytown Piece

I am making a piece about Crazytown. It's happening tonight. It's really good that all of this happened right when I needed to make a piece for Beastwomen auditions. Perfect timing. (Or maybe, I forced the issues that were happening here because I needed to make a piece? I know not. I hate to think that I created drama just for art--but if that's what happened, so be it.)

It will be about a roommate who goes crazy, writing notes all over everything and documenting the mess. I am going to shoot it quietly starting tonight. The piece will be set to music and will include a visual image of someone (me) getting wrapped up in a giant white straight-jacket. Overlaid with stills of the post-it notes I'm going to leave all over the kitchen to shoot.

Oh my god. I just found a chorus of children singing Crazy by Gnarls Barkley on the I-Tunes store. Perfect.

It is all coming together, people.

My Trip to Crazytown, or What I Did This Weekend

Yes, that is right, people. I left this note (in Sharpie, for my roommates) on the garbage can in my kitchen yesterday. After I had a giant shitfit about the condition of the house, but before there was a Sunday evening blackout--not a drunken-blackout. But an actual city couple-of-blocks-blackout.

Special Lady T and I are now referring to all activities where I lose my cool and yell at my roommates and write things permanently on my garbage can as "a trip to crazytown". We even have sounds effects and everything. There is a wheels-screech and an extreme turning of the wheel to the right. Apparently, Crazytown is to the right of wherever you are presently.

As might seem evident, I am reaching the end of my rope with living with two 25-year-olds. (OK, one 22 year-old and one 25 or 26-year-old.) Last week, they decided that since they "never watch the cable" that they were going to turn it off. If I wanted it, then I was going to have to pony up the cash by myself. Um? Uh? What?!

Yeah, if I am going to pony up the cash for cable myself, I might as well live alone.

Ever since Dixie moved out, this place has ceased to be a fun place to live and has turned into a living hell. Today, for example, I came home to the blackout. Then, I asked my roommates to please replace all candles that they "borrowed" from me. And they acted all put out when I asked if we were having a blackout because the power wasn't paid or if it was because of the City or something. (Forgive me. It's a reasonable question when the internet went out last month.)

Yesterday, I came home to a broken computer chair, a broken wine glass and coffee mug in the sink (in addition to about two weeks-worth-of-dishes) and overflowing garbage. And an urgent note about paying the cable bill, which, after two months, my roommate cannot produce a hard copy of because DESPITE HAVING BEEN THERE TWICE, SHE CANNOT SEEM TO GET HER NAME ON THE BILL. Sorry...No hard copy, no check written to you for an unspecific amount. I'm not a sucker.

Oh, and then this evening, the bathtub was all backed up disgustingly. What a fucking surprise. The one roommate (HITS) never leaves the hair-catcher in the tub drain. Uh, DUH. I told her (nastily and in front of the landlord) "That's why we need to leave the drain catcher in the drain. You keep taking it out. That is why we are backed up now."

She retorted, in her best snotty baby voice, "It's in the sink, JT." to which Hippie Ed the Landlord responded, "It's all connected--she's right. It's probably the tub. I will have to snake it out."

Sung interlude to the tune of Funkytown/Gotta Move On: "Won't you take me down? To crazytown! Won't you take me down...to craz-y-town?"

I have started to look for apartments. I need to live closer to Special Lady T and sansa roommates, particularly of the early-and-mid-twenties variety. If I never saw or heard another person in my personal living space again, I would be delighted. I have decided that I will find a place within walking distance of SLT. We're going to be together and we're both grown-ass women, so we might as well take a step closer to each other and make the relationship more convenient. She's totally down with that. Then I can get caught up on car payments and sell my fucking car. What a relief that would be.

So, I have a second interview with the people at the political non-profit. Wish me luck, keep your fingers crossed and throw a bit of salt over your shoulder. I gotta get the hell out of Dodge here.

P.S. We're going on a trip to San Francisco at the end of April! We got tickets today. God, I love that woman.
P.P.S. We also bought a lovely sex toy together at E2B and I introduced her to my old pal, the Ownerlady (we went to the same high school!) It was a very nice afternoon followed by a great little repaste at Kopi cafe and a browse-around at the new Brown Elephant and the wine store she likes.

Forgetful

Thanks to domiknitrix.com for the knitted valentines.


Happy Valentine's Day, everyone. Be mine and all that!

Boring is as Boring Does

So, according to one of my many exes-who-blog (NOT JACKET--I haven't read it...OK?) and who I inspired to write--and yes, darling, I knew that I inspired you to write every day. I'm not stupid--my writing isn't really interesting unless somehow the subject of the writing is mentioned. It's like that thing where I sometimes skim my mom's letters-to-the-family to see what she said about me.

I've been thinking a lot about that--is blogging self-indulgent and not-inherently-interesting? I mean, yes, my emotionally-challenged ex has a point but not one that I hadn't already rolled over in my head for oh, a decade. I mean, I write personal narrative. You have to grapple with this issue when you write personal narrative.

Resolved: Blogging, in and of itself, isn't really interesting. It's like reading someone's diary: Exciting if the person has an exciting life or is going through some sort of troubling time. But when it's just the status quo, no, not anything to write home about.

I think that the point, for me, is the practice of writing. I write as often as I can because I want to exercise my writing muscles and because when I don't, I feel like I missed a therapy appointment. Writing here is free therapy for me. And while it is always mediated by the notion that other people are reading it, I often say things that excite people, offend them and get people all riled up. I don't know if that is my natural propensity towards drama (certainly my beloved COF* might say so. And probably will, in comments that I won't choose to publish.) or if it is because I am too honest.

Being too honest is a blessing and a curse. And being too honest and being really smart? It's a recipe for being able to hurt people before they even know what happened. But on the honesty tip, here's what I have discovered: Most people don't want to hear the truth. Not as you see it. What they want to hear is a reality that is reflected and tempered by their world view.

"But JT," you might cry, "Isn't what you consider the truth really just your filtered world view?"

It's true, readers, it's true. That is why (these days) I check my reality when I'm not sure if I am interpreting correctly from someone else's perspective, I ask a lot of questions, and why I think that relationships are based on whether or not your world view agrees with someone else's world view. If you have similar world views (and upbringings, values, moral judgments, etc.), you will probably be good friends, lovers, and/or lasting partners with someone.

But back to blogging. I think that people for whom this blog will remain interesting are people who share my world view and people who (despite seeming obviously different from me for a variety of reasons) are interested in the life of a lesbian in an urban setting who is trying to figure it all out--life, balance, building a family, work, finances, having a satisfying career and still being an artist, etc. If you're not interested in those things, yes, probably it will be boring. And if you are an ex of mine whose only reason for reading is to find digs and/or praise of yourself--someone has been clicking the old labels marked "excellent girlfriend" in the last month...sound familiar, anyone?--you are probably going to be disappointed.

Because my new resolution is to look forward and not back.

Coming up: News about two possible new jobs, the triumphant return of Dyke Mic, more musings and reports about my amazing Special Lady T, ideas about my niece's 13th birthday party, updates on burlesque acts, chatter about go-go routines, and very exciting announcements about site-specific performance art at a hot Ukrainian Village club.

*COF = Cavalcade of Freaks. The name the E and I made up for the people I dated between El and now. There are a few exceptions, but I would say that for one reason or another, these people were mismatches in the emotional carnival that is or was my life.

Weekend Update

Dang.

It has been a LONG time since I posted. It's been crazy busy and it's going to be a hell of a few weeks.

Me and Poetess are re-starting DM 2.1 this week. I'm really excited about that. We're having the fantastic Krystee Wylder this week and Poetess herself is featuring. Should be a nice night. We've moved to Big Chicks and I think it's going to be a good new space for us.

Last Friday, I performed in the Varietease show. It was really fun. Me and Red Hot Annie did this crazy ballerina act to the a sort of new agey version of the Flower Duet by Lakme. (You have heard the piece. It's an opera piece that is on chocolate and British Airways commercials. It has two sopranos singing.) And then I did My Heart Belongs to Daddy. Really fun.

This week, we're rehearsing the Flower Duet again for the Beastwomen auditions. I'm really excited about Beastwomen. It will be nice to get back to doing a show with all kinds of performers--not just burlesque people or just poets/musicians. And not just queer ladies, either. I really need to start thinking about this act for BW. I want to bring them the basic sketch of an idea about an act--video, performance, movement. Not sure what it will be yet. But I am thinking on it.

This week, I also have my interview with this new potential Great Job. I've been researching the organization and the more I see, the more excited I get. It would be a great fit and I feel ready to do really well at a job. I feel like I am ready to realize my full potential somewhere and be considered the way that I see myself: Someone who is really great at what she does and who is smart, tactical, and making a contribution. This place really needs that and I need a chance to rise to the occasion. I think that moving to marketing was a smart idea on my part. It's where I really excel and I really like the kinds of things I get to do in that field. Plus, I don't have to do anything I really hate.

I am going to go-go rehearsal tonight (bone spur be damned) and then to T's. We had a great weekend. On Friday, she came to my show with one of the Sistaz and we hung out. She hung in the dressing room with us while we got ready and we hung out together in the audience. Saturday, we just had brunch (she went to the gym of course) and did it a lot and went out for coffee in the afternoon.

Then in the evening, we went to her Maingay's house for cocktails (after I made dinner: delicious black bean tacos) and then took Maingay--oh my god, he makes a great cosmo--and another cute one of her gays to a Lip Synch Opera (put together by my fantastic former thesis advisor) at the Experimental Sound Studio. So fantastic. It needed a way better venue, but it was an amazing piece. I was really impressed with how tight it was. I mean, I should not have been surprised, but I had never seen anything he's done. (I think we MAY have listened to one of his pieces in sound class, but we listened to so much I can't remember.) I bumped into a colleague from grad school, a famous lesbian writer who I have been trying to book, and the former head of my department, who retired the year after I left. It was a great great night.

All weekend long, the subject of baby names kept coming up. Her brother and his wife are due in April, so she's been helping them to figure out their baby names. They don't know the sex of the little peanut, so they have one girl name and one boy name picked out. I have been sworn to secrecy, but they are really good names. The girl one's cuter than the boy one, but they are both good. I was sharing my list, too. I can't reveal here, but they are cute names to me.

Yesterday, we went out to brunch with the Sisters, went to the thrift store (and my favorite trashy girl store--Discovery) and went back to T's house. Then we did it some more and I came home. Last night, I mostly bummed around here--watching TV and eating some tacos I got at my favorite taco stand. Watched Iron Chef America. Went to bed.

(Oh, and the Blahd came...I should not have been surprised about that, either, but somehow I was. I had been super moody and ravenously hungry for DAYS.)

All right. Off to the temp job. More researching rich people! Love it. Mas later...

Awesome Monday, Super Tuesday

Yesterday was truly excellent.

I found a parking place a block from my temp job (sometimes it's a little bit harder to find--it was exciting to find something so close!) and then went in to work. I got some stuff done and then at about noon, the lady from the excellent organization (it'a a media organization that works on policy and advocacy around race and poverty issues) that is looking for a Director of Marketing called. She wanted to set up an interview for 3pm.

Yessssssssss.

Turned out she was meeting someone else at a restaurant about two blocks from where I was temping and I just jumped over and met with her for an hour. It's a great place and it seems like a perfect fit. I'm so jazzed. It would be so fantastic to work somewhere where my skills and talents are truly values, where I can stretch my skillset, and where I would be making more money than I ever have before. Enough to probably pay down my car enough to sell it (thus enabling me to pay more rent/live in a nicer area), which would allow me to get the heck out of dodge here, and allow me to work on my debt in a more serious manner.

I know that Armistead Maupin says that you can't have all three things--hot lover, hot job, and hot apartment--all at the same time...But I think that the fact that 2008 is all about "what would happen if I was just happy?" cancels that notion out. I think that I can have it all. And not only that, I think that I deserve it--after all of the shit I've been through and all of the crappy people/things/life issues that I've had to deal with, I think that my time is now.

It's time for sane, happy, engaged in my career, and contented. It's time for looking forward.

Yesterday, I also think that I found someone to help me revive the Love is a Battlefield girlfight/lesbian love triangle/dance number for Beastwomen--Red Hot Annie told me that she's already down for that. We will call her Blondie...She is a hilarious comedian that I had the pleasure of working with at the last round of BW and she said that she can dance (and loves to do so) and that she wouldn't mind stripping down to boy shorts and a bra. I don't think that I still have the bunches of tulle (which is a shame) but we can recreate those easily enough. It is time for an 80's revival. That act kicks ass and the BW will love it.

Speaking of which, I need to work out a sound piece and start rehearsing something for auditions. I'm thinking either an homage to love (something totally over the top and gross and sunshine pollyanna...) or some kind of ettiquette lesson piece, or a piece about collected damage and how it's passed along in relationships. I'm really looking forward to branching out a bit from the last BW go-around and doing something a little more performance art and little less burly-q. Red Hot Annie can do the striptease for the bot' of us this time.

Oh, and I was sad to do it, but I skipped go-go rehearsal last night. My heel was hurting and I figured that pointy bone spurs and the Pony don't go together so well. I'm giving it a break this week and then resuming next. Last night was fun. I watched the L Word on You Tube with Miss P. She taught me how to do it and I was excited to know how to access my shows. It was a bit blurry, but it worked just fine. THEN this morning, I finally saw the finale to Top Model, Cycle 13, which I missed in November or December or whenever it was. I love technology.

Speaking of which, I got a great idea while I was in my interview yesterday and I sent the lady I met with a link this morning. I told her about Wikis and how they could work in application for a project where you were sharing a lot of information in a community of people. It's a brilliant idea, really. Activism could use some forward thinking and some technology. So I sent her a link this AM to an explanation of how they work.

OK. I now have to figure out where it is that I am supposed to vote. Have a Super Tuesday, y'all.

Overwhelming Week

Whew. Last week was overwhelming.

The other day, after HITS was in the shower forever, I kind of lost it on her (about the shower, about the dishes, about the trash). I'm not really happy with how I lost my cool, but it was super duper annoying, all of it--Her residence in the shower for 40 minutes on a day when I have to be somewhere and the mess problem building and building. And on top of it, the schedule she posted to say when she needed to leave the house was inaccurate. That's really the most annoying (and it is still the same schedule posted, five days later. Um? Wanna let us know the real schedule, please?) part.

That was Wednesday morning. She hasn't really spoken to me since then. I don't really blame her, but her inability to talk any conflict through or take any initiative in communication is alarming. I wish she would just start to take care of her shit and communicate like a normal person. I'm not making the first move because frankly, I just don't care. I have no more energy for it--I'm biding my time until I get a job and can move.

On Wednesday night, I went to Big Chicks and met with the owner. Me and Poetess are moving Dyke Mic there! It's so exciting. I'm really stoked. Then Poetess came with me to Special Lady T's house and we had dinner and they got to know each other a little bit. That part was really nice--She'd made some really good lentil soup and some pasta and salad. We drank some wine and mostly they visited while I tried to install some software on SLT's computer. We hung out for a bit and then Poetess left and we went to bed.

Then in the morning, we had some more smokin' hot sex (it just get better and better. I feel so lucky and happy. I mean, honestly, better than all of the people I have had sex with in the last year put together.) and then she went for a run and I slept in a bit. Then she went to work and I puttered around her house until it was time for me to go in.

Thursday day was totally fucked--it was the worst weather of the winter. I went to two doctors (gyne and the podiatrist) and got very discombobulated in the process. It was terrible weather (snow piled up everywhere, traffic snarled at a standstill) and getting to and fro was awful. I would have blown it off, but it was my last official day with insurance, so I wanted to get everything taken care of. I went on two buses to Northwestern from the West Loop (where my cool-ass temp job is) and it took over an hour. Then they got me an appointment with a podiatrist that was halfway between the west loop and Northwestern. BUT. I lost my debit card two weeks ago (it should be here any minute) and I didn't have any cash. So I walked like a mile to the WaMu (I had no idea where one was...I need a map or some cell phone internet or something!) in the terrible weather and while I was eating lunch (which I bought with my last $6) and with the arches aching.

That was the reason for the emergency podiatrist visit. My plantar fascitis has been hurting really badly. Turns out I have a pointy bone spur in my left heel. Well, it least it isn't my imagination or something.

Found a Wamu, got cash, jumped in a cab, went to podiatrist. They cast my feet for new orthotics and gave me a shot of cortisone. Also a prescription for something to quell the swelling and tenderness. It was so bad that he thought that maybe I had been walking around on a fractured heel. Crazy. Then I went back to the office (did I mention that my cell was missing this whole time?) found my cell on my desk where I left it, got in the car, and went to pick up SLT and Miss P. My car was downtown (because of the weather I drove it in and parked in a lot) so I wanted to make sure that they got home safe in the terrible storm.

It took us an hour and a half to get home. And we live 15 minutes from downtown.

On Thursday night, me and SLT watched some bad TV, ate burritos and went to bed early. I was exhausted from the day of running around, driving an hour and half in the snow mess, and spending time/money on cabs and transit. I had a mini-crying fit that night. My heel was hurting so badly and I was feeling emotionally spent.

There was a moment where SLT chided me for having some road rage. She was right to do it, but it added to the overall overwhelm. So when I got home, I kind of broke down and cried a little bit. Plus, I think I was low-blood-sugar in that moment. SLT hugged me and met the crying with, "Come on, baby, let's get you something to eat and a glass of water."

Friday was more of the same with the time in the car, heel hurting, etc. I went over to T's house after work (hers got called off on account of the snow) and we ate leftover soup and salad and watched Factory Girl. It was fun.

Over the weekend, I got a lot done. I spent a good chunk of time at home and I got my laundry taken care of, organized my room (long time coming) and paid some urgent bills. I have a few more to do, but I think that the bulk of the stressful shit might be over.

Yesterday was fun. We went to the Breakfast Club with the Sisters and then I came home alone and buckled down and TCB'd for the afternoon. I also bleached my hair out and went back to red. I think it suits me better. The red I picked is a little vibrant (and I missed a few patches here and there) but overall it's cute. And I was pleased that I managed to bleached everything out pretty evenly. I have to go back in on Thursday and tone that shit down a bit, but it's going to be cute when it's all done.

There were also some very great conversations with SLT over the weekend. There was one about what it was like to be a parent (non-biological) and what she might have to think about in order to be one. I have to say that it is nice to be able to talk all of that stuff through and have a partner who is interested in both doing that with me and is interested in knowing my experience. I told her all about the having babies and the routine of feeding during the first three months and the exhaustion. And also about the rewarding parts. And how I didn't ever really feel like I was so great at it, but that I learned some patience and that I would definitely be better at it this time around. I also expressed that she was lucky because most lesbians who have babies don't get the benefit of being with someone who has been the non-biological parent.

I mean, it is the worst and most disgusting thing in the world that El took those kids away from me, but there are some silver linings. Like knowing what it is that I need to process/think about beforehand. And having the benefit of experience to share with my partner.

I know that babies are a ways off, but it's nice to talk and dream with T. She's so normal and natural about it all--it's a great relief. A far cry from what we (me and my friends) have taken to calling the Cavalcade of Freaks (the people I'd been dating for the last few years).

The other great conversation was around her most recent breakup, which was a doozy. We chatted about what it was like for her to have moved all the way to Boston and to have it fall apart so grandly. And then to have her MainGay come out there and rescue her. It was nice to talk with her about that and to have her reflect what was good about it and what was not so good.

In other news, I have a ton of shows coming up. It's really exciting. Also, I am auditioning again for BeastWomen. It's all great. My performance career has really been taking off and fruiting. It's nice to see that (finally) the hard work has paid off.

All right. This has been a seriously long one. I'm going to jump here. Mas later, bitches.